What My Children Have Taught Me About Love

When this topic originally came to me, I wasn’t sure what I was going to write. I’m not even sure where it came from, it just felt right. So here goes.

I’m a mum of three daughters. My eldest came along quite soon after my husband and I were married. My pregnancy was pretty normal apart from having whooping cough for the first 5 or so months. Her delivery was induced, but again, normal. She came into this world a sleepy little princess, with ten fingers and ten toes and weighing nearly 4kg (9lb). We adored her from the minute they laid her on our chest and her eyes immediately focussed on mine.

I had dreamed of becoming a mother since I was a little girl, but the reality was quite different. Suddenly I had a tiny person who relied on me for everything. She couldn’t tell me if she was hungry, tired, thirsty, wet, dirty or scared. I had no idea how to tell if she was in pain or just wanted to be cuddled. I had read about maternal instinct but it just didn’t seem to be something I had.

The first thing I learned from my eldest daughter was to slow down. I’ve never been one for spending a lot of time on chores, but she needed all of me. All the time. It took a lot of effort not to feel guilty about still being in my pyjamas when my husband got home from work, but he understood what I did not: that being a mother is a full-time job, and some days you just don’t get to do anything for yourself.

The second thing I learned from my eldest daughter was patience. Sometimes you try everything to get the baby to stop crying and nothing works. You just have to deal with that and be patient. You can’t stop the baby crying by trying to reason with them, by shouting at them, or by crying. Sometimes the crying means you feel a bit better, so it’s not necessarily a bad thing, and sometimes you just have to put the crying baby down where they’re safe for a few minutes so you can get yourself back together. That’s OK too. I was not very patient before I had children, but it’s definitely something I’ve learned on the job!

The third thing I learned was that you can’t plan for everything, and it’s OK to freak out when your plans change suddenly. That is one I learned from my second daughter, with whom I fell pregnant when my eldest was five months old. Yep, I’m one of *those* mothers. The ones who make it look easy without even trying. Inside I was terrified. I mean, I was going to have another baby and I hadn’t even gotten the hang of taking care of my first one yet!

The fourth thing I learned was from my second daughter, and it’s that just because you had it easy the first time around, don’t expect it’ll be the same the second time around. Plans change.  My second princess had quite the entrance into the world. They told us that she’d be blue from oxygen deprivation, amongst other things. They underestimated her. Upon her entry into the world she took a deep break and shrieked like a banshee. That’s my girl! She didn’t stop shrieking for about three months! My first daughter was so laid back and calm, and here was Cyclone Olivia unleashed on our family!

The fifth thing I learned from my children is that it’s OK not to cope, and to accept help where it is offered. Family and friends rallied around and helped us out when we had our second child. A friend came by to cook dinner one night, other friends visited often, the grandparents took the eldest for plays at the park, and my mothers’ group friends were happy to entertain my eldest at outings (and stop her from dashing away on the feet she finally used to walk just two weeks after her sister was born). I’ve never been good at either asking for help or accepting it when it is offered, but I certainly got good at it when I had my second child.

The sixth thing I learned from my children, is that little bumps in the road happen. You know how I said I learned that plans change? Yeah I wasn’t done learning that. We thought our little family was complete. We had two gorgeous daughters who were about to turn three and two. Then we discovered we were going to have a new addition to the family. It would have been an exciting time for us if I had not been so sick. Once again I was accepting help from others, trying not to feel guilty about not having gotten out of my pyjamas all day and pretty much just trying to survive with two toddlers and hyperemesis.

My third daughter was a textbook delivery. She was the healing birth I had hoped for. She took away a great deal of the pain we suffered when our second daughter was born, and she completed our family.

The seventh thing I learned from my children? Unconditional love is easy. My older daughters dote on their younger sister. The accept her for who she is and don’t expect any more from her than she’s able to give. Why do I think this is a miracle? My daughter has Autism. She’s not your “typical” child. She sees the world differently than others and everyday things that a lot of us take for granted are difficult for her. On top of that she’s inherited my stubbornness. In some ways that’s a good thing, but in others it’s definitely a spanner in the works.

The eighth thing I learned from my children is that sometimes you just have to sit around and snuggle. I learned this from my youngest. She is most secure when she is on my lap or in my arms or tucked up in bed with me. I had to learn to let go of a lot of the household chores because often I’d spend an afternoon with my daughter on my lap cuddling. The smallest scrape on her knee feels like a thousand knives slicing into her. A slight routine change without telling her first means a meltdown that can sometimes last for hours. I say this not to ask for pity or sympathy, but because I want you to understand that life isn’t always easy. Sometimes she just wants to sit on my lap and cuddle into me because she missed me at school. And sometimes there’s no reason she can articulate. I don’t mind, really, my older two were never really snugglers. They found their feet and off they went to be independent.

The ninth thing I learned from my children is that their independence is necessary, even if it can throw a spanner in the works sometimes. My older two children are headstrong, smart, and above all, independent. Oh they sometimes try to pass things off as “I can’t do it” in order to get their parents to do it for them, but I wasn’t born yesterday. Their self esteem and sense of worth are greatly increased by doing things for themselves and others. I often have people say to me “wow your girls are so capable, mine could never do that”. My kids weren’t born independent, it’s something I had to teach them. It started with little things like making sure they dressed themselves and got shoes on to leave the house. Then when they started kindergarten it was as simple as them carrying their own bag and unpacking anything that needed to be unpacked or at the end of the day packing and then carrying their own bag back out again. In school they were responsible for their own belongings and for getting themselves ready in the morning. Of an afternoon it’s up to them to make sure they have all they need including their hat, drink bottle, homework and any notes for me. Yes they forget stuff sometimes, but that’s part of learning. How would my children have learned to be independent if I did all this for them? Not only would it be counterproductive, but I’d be robbing them of a golden opportunity to learn. I couldn’t do that. Yes my five-year-old’s backpack is nearly as big as she is, but she wears it with pride, knowing she packed it herself that morning and secure in the knowledge that everything she needs is contained within.

The tenth thing I learned from my children is that time as a family is something that cannot be beat. I love spending time as a family even if it’s just lying in the family bed telling knock knock jokes. We’re quite busy and we don’t spend nearly as much time all in the once place as I’d like, but that just means I treasure our time together even more. I hold impromptu dance parties in the kitchen while making school lunches, we lie around on my bed telling jokes or making up stories. We jump and jive our way through the aisles of the supermarket (with my nine-year-old trying to distance herself from the rest of us because “mummy you’re embarrassing!”). We pull weeds from between the pavers, we pile me and three kids into the hammock together while daddy cooks dinner on the BBQ. We applaud as one or other of the kids does “tricks” on the trampoline. We sit around and giggle while we make tacos and snort and laugh as we bite into them and the filling all falls out. We love each other fiercely and we are not ashamed of that.

So, what did I learn from my kids? Slow down, be patient, don’t try to plan everything, plans change, accept help, plans really do change, unconditional love is easy, cuddles are awesome, independence is necessary, and family time is the best.

My family may not be how I imagined it while growing up (I definitely imagined being the mother of a few boys as well as girls) but it’s everything I always wanted, and it’s teaching me daily to be a better person.

By Sandra Mansell