An excerpt from the 'Parental Guidance' movie trailer went like this:
Marisa Tomei's character, speaking about her father (Billy Crystal), to her mother (Bette Midler): "You always take his side!"
Bette Middler's character, in response: " And for good reason. Because after your kids grow up, your husband is the one who stays!"
It made me laugh, because it is SO TRUE!
Thirty years on, our children have grown up and left. My husband stayed. I am so glad! (And yes, I know you can read that two ways. I meant it the second way :)
These are some of my best tips for making it happen:
1. Have a date night once a week. Because even though having to organise babysitting can be a headache/difficult/expensive - there is a completely different feel between having the children with you, (even if they are all asleep!) and having it be just the two of you, on your own. The way it was when you started. The way it will be at the finish. Think of it as practice for your ever after :)
2. Touch base several times a day, every day, if at all possible. My husband used to leave for work at about 6.30am, then call me at home every day at about 9am, after the school run, just to see how my morning had gone. He would call again at lunchtime, then always again before he left to come home, to tell me he was on his way and to ask if I needed him to pick up anything on the way home. That was at least 3 phone calls every day, and often several more. (Me: "I need you to talk me out of killing your children". Him: "Oh-K... What's happening? .. ") I added up the cost of those calls once, and wondered if our tight budget at the time could afford the dollars we spent each year. Fortunately, my husband was wiser than me and told me not to penny-pinch on this. He was right. Mostly it was me talking, but he got to share a bit of his day with me too. I like to know that he lived through a lot of it all right there with me, and me with him :) We still talk on the phone at least 3 times a day while he is at work. (Ok, he is in his own business, which makes this easier. But even when he was an employee, he checked with his boss to ask if it was ok for him to call me during his breaks and they never minded.)
3. Be polite to each other. It's such a simple thing: Please... Thank you... Would you mind if..? Would you prefer..? After you.. I'm sorry.. Courtesy indicates consideration for one another. It's a more pleasing, enjoyable way to live. Thirty years together could seem a very long time without it! This would include not shouting at one another.
4. Be cheerful! Smile :) Make it a habit to be happy together. Sometimes there will be reasons to be worried/sad/frustrated/unhappy - but save a smile for each other, even when you can't raise one for the rest of the world.
5. Be affectionate. Life gets busy. But if you are in the same room together, or even passing each other, there will be opportunity and time for a light hand touch, a quick smile and wink, a bottom pat, touch on the face, or lean on his shoulder. Feelings of love lead to affection, and it works back the other way too. Flirt with each other a little.
6. Forget the whole '50/50' deal, (ie I'll speak nicely to you if you speak nicely to me, etc. ). I don't think that works, and I think it's kind of an awful way to live: always bargaining and compromising. Better if both partners aim to give 100% all the time, no matter what the other person is managing. Of course you'll have up and down times, but this way the bases are pretty well covered, even if only one or neither manages 100% on occasion. I guess what I am really saying is: aim to be as completely unselfish as possible - it's the surest road I know to a really happy marriage.
7. 'Never go to bed angry', is something we were advised before we married. And we never have. But we have had some awfully, awfully late nights! Still, I know that if I did go to bed angry I'd be the type to wake up even worse in the morning, having stewed in my own 'upset' juices all night. A side benefit to making sure you sort things out before you go to bed, is that the later it gets and the more tired you become, the easier it is to say sorry and be forgiving, if only so you can go to sleep at last! Good advice for us :)
8. Sleep in the same bed. We've had snoring issues, I've-got-the flu-and-you-might-catch-it issues, insomnia issues, etc., but we've always chosen to sleep in the same bed together. I know that a lot of couples end up camping in a child's bedroom or on the lounge occasionally, but I'm glad that we never have. For better or snoring/flu/insomnia: we are in this together! (I know this isn't necessarily a huge deal, but I like the symbolism of choosing to stay side by side, no matter what.)
9. I'm so grateful that our church leaders teach us to be wise with money. We pay tithing; we are advised to avoid debt like the plague; (only borrowing money for a house, sometimes a car, and sometimes education); we're encouraged to devise a budget and stick to it; and to judge between wants and needs. It's so true that if we spend $5 more than our income each week we will always be in trouble; if we spend $5 less than our income each week we will be ok - no matter what our income is, large or small. Looking after your money wisely is one of the best things you can do for your marriage. We've always done this. Saves a LOT of worry and arguments.
10. Liberally sprinkle your marriage all through with humour. We argue sometimes - and sometimes it is even my fault. (Sorry, should have warned you to sit down for that one.) But I usually get to the stage where I finally relent enough to tell him, (whether the argument is his fault or mine), that I am willing to accept his apology now. He is nice enough to say that he is sorry then. And I say sorry too. And then we laugh at ourselves a bit. Because we really are quite silly a lot of the time. But we like it like that. It keeps things fun.
Thirty years on, our children have grown up and left. My husband stayed. I am so glad! (And yes, I know you can read that two ways. I meant it the second way :)
These are some of my best tips for making it happen:
1. Have a date night once a week. Because even though having to organise babysitting can be a headache/difficult/expensive - there is a completely different feel between having the children with you, (even if they are all asleep!) and having it be just the two of you, on your own. The way it was when you started. The way it will be at the finish. Think of it as practice for your ever after :)
2. Touch base several times a day, every day, if at all possible. My husband used to leave for work at about 6.30am, then call me at home every day at about 9am, after the school run, just to see how my morning had gone. He would call again at lunchtime, then always again before he left to come home, to tell me he was on his way and to ask if I needed him to pick up anything on the way home. That was at least 3 phone calls every day, and often several more. (Me: "I need you to talk me out of killing your children". Him: "Oh-K... What's happening? .. ") I added up the cost of those calls once, and wondered if our tight budget at the time could afford the dollars we spent each year. Fortunately, my husband was wiser than me and told me not to penny-pinch on this. He was right. Mostly it was me talking, but he got to share a bit of his day with me too. I like to know that he lived through a lot of it all right there with me, and me with him :) We still talk on the phone at least 3 times a day while he is at work. (Ok, he is in his own business, which makes this easier. But even when he was an employee, he checked with his boss to ask if it was ok for him to call me during his breaks and they never minded.)
4. Be cheerful! Smile :) Make it a habit to be happy together. Sometimes there will be reasons to be worried/sad/frustrated/unhappy - but save a smile for each other, even when you can't raise one for the rest of the world.
5. Be affectionate. Life gets busy. But if you are in the same room together, or even passing each other, there will be opportunity and time for a light hand touch, a quick smile and wink, a bottom pat, touch on the face, or lean on his shoulder. Feelings of love lead to affection, and it works back the other way too. Flirt with each other a little.
6. Forget the whole '50/50' deal, (ie I'll speak nicely to you if you speak nicely to me, etc. ). I don't think that works, and I think it's kind of an awful way to live: always bargaining and compromising. Better if both partners aim to give 100% all the time, no matter what the other person is managing. Of course you'll have up and down times, but this way the bases are pretty well covered, even if only one or neither manages 100% on occasion. I guess what I am really saying is: aim to be as completely unselfish as possible - it's the surest road I know to a really happy marriage.
7. 'Never go to bed angry', is something we were advised before we married. And we never have. But we have had some awfully, awfully late nights! Still, I know that if I did go to bed angry I'd be the type to wake up even worse in the morning, having stewed in my own 'upset' juices all night. A side benefit to making sure you sort things out before you go to bed, is that the later it gets and the more tired you become, the easier it is to say sorry and be forgiving, if only so you can go to sleep at last! Good advice for us :)
8. Sleep in the same bed. We've had snoring issues, I've-got-the flu-and-you-might-catch-it issues, insomnia issues, etc., but we've always chosen to sleep in the same bed together. I know that a lot of couples end up camping in a child's bedroom or on the lounge occasionally, but I'm glad that we never have. For better or snoring/flu/insomnia: we are in this together! (I know this isn't necessarily a huge deal, but I like the symbolism of choosing to stay side by side, no matter what.)
9. I'm so grateful that our church leaders teach us to be wise with money. We pay tithing; we are advised to avoid debt like the plague; (only borrowing money for a house, sometimes a car, and sometimes education); we're encouraged to devise a budget and stick to it; and to judge between wants and needs. It's so true that if we spend $5 more than our income each week we will always be in trouble; if we spend $5 less than our income each week we will be ok - no matter what our income is, large or small. Looking after your money wisely is one of the best things you can do for your marriage. We've always done this. Saves a LOT of worry and arguments.
10. Liberally sprinkle your marriage all through with humour. We argue sometimes - and sometimes it is even my fault. (Sorry, should have warned you to sit down for that one.) But I usually get to the stage where I finally relent enough to tell him, (whether the argument is his fault or mine), that I am willing to accept his apology now. He is nice enough to say that he is sorry then. And I say sorry too. And then we laugh at ourselves a bit. Because we really are quite silly a lot of the time. But we like it like that. It keeps things fun.
I asked my husband what tips he would give for a happy marriage. He said, "I hate questions like that!" I said, "I know, but what is your answer?" "Play games, " he said. "Games? That's your tip for a happy marriage?" "Yes. Games are fun. But it's better if we play something like Boggle or Yahtzee, because then you just always win, instead of when we play something like Monopoly, when you destroy me until I am ground into the dirt and have nothing left." And that's how we roll :)
By Sandy Munro
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