Not What I Expected

I grew up expecting that I would marry and have a family. Well, I got the marrying part done pretty fast. I had just turned 20. My husband and I knew within a month of meeting one another that we were “meant to be”. We had names picked out for our children when we were dating. He wanted 6 I wanted 4, I come from a family with 6, he came from 4.

Early in our marriage, whilst we were both uni students, we decided we would welcome a child any time they wanted to come. Months went by and we didn’t have any success. I remember vividly the moment when my husband told me that a relative was pregnant, I immediately burst into tears. He had known for a few weeks and didn’t know how to tell me. After my tearful and angry reaction I’m not surprised he had waited.

After three years we knew we had a fertility issue. I struggled to come to terms with the fact that my body was “broken”. This is what I’m made for, this is what women do, they have babies! I’ve never been a fan of going to the doctor so I started trying alternative treatments, chiropractics, chinese medicine, herbal potions (Yes, even Ruth Sharkey the Baby Maker…do you know how often those people are featured in Women’s magazines or on Today Tonight? Well every time they were I was told by someone), naturopaths, diet changes, iridologists. I even saw a specialist “baby maker” whilst overseas on holiday.

Nothing was working. I began living month by month only seeing 9 months into the future. We watched those around us have baby after baby and yet we seemed halted, suspended, not progressing. My heart ached as my younger sisters began to have children, and those who had married well after us. Ours is a very fertile ward, there are at least 5 pregnant women at any one time and the record is 12 at once! Some days I felt like Jacob’s wife, Rachel, you know the one who said GIVE ME CHILDREN OR ELSE I DIE! The quest to have a child began consuming my life.

When we could finally afford it and I was brave enough we sought help from a Fertility Specialist. This made things worse at one point because I discovered not only was I not conceiving but I was also riddled with Endometriosis, a disease with no known cause, treatment or cure. Yipee! A common side effect of this disease is depression.

Suffering from infertility and depression caused me to question my testimony. As I walked around in that black cloud I could remember feeling good about the church, I could remember loving the gospel but I felt so empty. Like I was an empty shell going through random motions and not very well. I might have gone inactive had I not worried about how that would reflect on my family. I was certainly inactive on the inside.

Coming to church got harder. I was reminded each Sunday of what I didn’t have. It was strange to feel normal in the outside world and odd at church. People outside the church don’t expect you to be married in your 20s let alone have any children. Mother’s Day became particularly hard. I refused to go to church two years running on that Sunday. I just couldn’t put myself through the pain. I knew that I needed to pull myself together so I pushed myself to focus on my mother and my mother-in-law to treat it more like a “birthday” than “Christmas” that I was missing out on. I did so well that one year I even gave a talk on Mother’s Day.

Infertility isn’t a topic they cover much at church. It’s not something that’s talked about, it’s a private pain and people may not even realise how hurtful and inconsiderate the things they say are. I have learnt to laugh things off over the last decade. Even so, I thought I might share a few of the things that used to “provoke me sore”.

“You just need to relax.”
“You are still young, you have plenty of time”
“Why don’t you just adopt?”
“You can have mine”
“You should go on a holiday”
“I know how you feel”

When you find someone who suffers from infertility please don’t give in to the impulse to say something like that, just say “I’m sorry”. If they want your advice they’ll ask for it.

After 6 years of marriage and some tender coaching by a friend (who’d had IVF and been successful twice) I plucked up the courage to go and try IVF. We’ve done IVF three times now. All of them failed. It’s hard not only to fail at conceiving but to drain your savings at the same time.

During this past decade I’ve been blessed to be able to strengthen my relationship with my youngest two sisters because I didn’t have children to worry about while they were still teenagers. I’ve learned many technical skills and had several different jobs because I’ve had to work. I’ve also come to realise the importance of choosing well your university education. I’ve been blessed to be able to strengthen my marriage and enjoy spending time with my husband. I’ve been able to travel to the USA several times and visit the Church History sites twice. Earlier this year after another expensive and unsuccessful IVF round I realised I would have to accept that I may in fact never have children. And that will be okay because I can contribute in other ways. I had plans to go back to school and study something more useful. And embrace the life I have rather than the one I wanted.

I am grateful for good counsel from wise men and women in the church. There's a Mormon Message which features a talk by Jeffrey R Holland from November 1999. You know the one, the father stuck on the side of the road and he has to walk to get help whilst leaving his wife and two children behind. He said...
“Trust God and believe in good things to come. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.” (Jeffrey R. Holland, “‘An High Priest of Good Things to Come’,” Ensign, Nov 1999, 36)

I am grateful for the peace these words give me. I am grateful that I have learnt to trust in the Lord, that he can turn all things to our good. I am grateful that after many prayers, blessings and much fasting, as proof that the Lord hears us. God has remembered me, just like Rachel, Sarah and Hannah from the Bible. After 12 years of marriage I'm going to have a baby. Yes, that's right. I'm pregnant. God is still a God of miracles.

(Name withheld)