Looking to Christ and Disciplining With Love

Help children learn how to build positive relationships and develop social and emotional skills that encourage them to follow the Saviour’s example.

1.    Composure –

  Stay calm BREATHE! (This is for adult and child) I feel upset and it’s ok, I am safe and I can handle this.

  Your job is to keep the home safe. Their job is to help keep it safe. We need to model that by being composed.

2.     Encouragement – We are all in this together – Connectedness!

  Routines and rituals – ways to celebrate success

  Learn to notice (describe) – notice and describe behaviour or actions that exist. Start the sentence with ‘you’. Next describe exactly what you see. End your description with a tag such as ‘That was helpful’. ‘That was thoughtful.’ ‘That was kind, caring, loving etc.’

  Phase out rewards. Using rewards with children has shifted our focus from establishing and honouring relationships to valuing material goods. Aim for the internal joy of being a part of a family.

Encouraging children when they make poor choices.

  After a command, praise the child if he chooses to listen to you. Praise him, even if you had to repeat yourself five times. He still decided to cooperate. It just took longer than it should.

  We all make poor choices. Help children solve their own problems.

“I have confidence you will figure out another way of handling this.”

“This is a rough spot you are in, but I know you can work it out. Let me know if you need help.”

  We must teach children to seek help from each other, offer help to each other and create an atmosphere of trust, caring and mutual respect.

3.     Assertiveness – Respectfully setting limits.

Own your own feelings, express them directly through I-messages. You can express frustration without blaming the child. Describe the behaviour that is annoying or disruptive and the feelings you as the adult are feeling.

‘I don’t like it when you ……………..(describe the child’s action) I feel (use a feeling word) when you (describe the child’s action) because (relate to safety.)

  Instead of ‘you are rude to interrupt’ –
I don’t like it when you interrupt. I can’t remember what I was saying. Please be quiet.

  Instead of ‘sit down, be quiet, stop running’
When you run through the house while I am trying to work, I feel distracted. I can’t think. You might fall and hurt yourself.

     Teaching children to be assertive – Children deal with situations the best way they know how. Often they lack the skills to communicate effectively.

Child – Tiffany hit me!

Adult – Did you like it?

Child – No

Adult – Go and tell Tiffany, “Stop! I don’t like it when you hit me. It hurts.”

4.     Choices – Empower children and build self-esteem. Ask yourself “How can I help the child to be more likely to choose to ____?”

   Give 2 positive choices, (NOT one positive and one negative) this optimizes the chance of cooperation and it grants you the ability to direct those choices.

  “It is time to clean up. You can start by picking up the blocks or the cars first. Which one will you choose?”

5.     Positive Intent – Create teachable moments and turn conflict into cooperation. Give the child the benefit of the doubt. Children cannot behave differently until they are seen differently.

  The ‘victim’ is addressed first and empowered with assertiveness.

  The skill of positive intent is used to begin the interaction with the attacking child. It may end up that an imposed consequence is given depending on the situation.

6. Empathy – Reflect back what you see, feel, hear and understand. Children need to accept and be coached through their emotions.

v  Reflect what you see (Notice the body) “your face is going like this”

v  Reflect what you perceive they feel – “You seem angry”

v  Reflect back to child what you hear – “He called you a name”

v  Reflect positive intent how you understand it – “you want him to call you by your name”

v  Listen without judgement

7. Consequences – Consequences do not teach children how to behave. They motivate children to use skills they already have or motivate them to learn new strategies. Help children learn from their mistakes. When children see the connection between their behaviour and the result of their behaviour, learning has occurred.

v  Consequences delivered with empathy allow children the opportunity to learn how to be responsible for their choices.

Natural Consequences

v  If the child doesn't tie his shoe, he might trip.

v  If you run inside you might get hurt.

Imposed consequences

v  State why consequences are being imposed and relate it to safety or logic.

v  Ask if they hear/understood

v  Listen to children restate the consequence.

v  Katrina  “Katrina, you have a choice to hit your friend and get the toy or to ask your friend for the toy by saying: May I have a turn? If you choose to hit, you will play in the hula hoop on the floor with the toys. Hitting hurts. It is not safe. By playing in your own area, you will be safe and so will your friends.“ If the child hits again – “How disappointing to lose the opportunity to play with your friends. You can play in the hoop with this basket of blocks or with these books. Which will you choose? You can try again later to play with your friends.”

Russell M Nelson – April 2008

When children need correction ask yourself, “What can I say or do that would persuade him or her to choose a better way?” Don’t try to control children, instead listen to them, help them, inspire them, lead them towards eternal life. You are God’s agents in the care of children. He has entrusted you. Let his divine influence remain in your hearts as you teach and persuade.

Resource for further information -

www.consciousdiscipline.com


By Vicki Jacobson