EMP Mormon Journal - Sister Estelle Alfred

Two years ago, I came back to the Church after being inactive for almost seven years. During my time of inactivity, I lived as the world entices us to.  Like the great and spacious building in Lehi`s dream, I lived a life that to others outside of our faith would have been perceived as normal and happy. It is not a fact I am proud of, but it has helped shaped me into the woman I am today.  In a way, I consider my reactivation as my real conversion story.

Like the Prodigal son of old, I went out into the world to see the sights and wonders this earth possesses.  I lived overseas, away from family, friends and all I knew and was comfortable with, for six months. For a time, all was well – I lived as righteously as I could. I felt I had a firm foundation of faith in my Lord and Savior as well as trust in His infinite plan for me.  Unfortunately, due to certain experiences in my life at that time, I fell away.  I felt that because of this my Heavenly Father had turned His back on me and this confirmed my worst fear – that I was not good enough, that I was unworthy. For years this fueled my anger and to my shame, even hate.

At first, I would only go to church on what I considered special occasions: Mother's and Father’s Day, Easter and Christmas.  I did this because I knew what it would mean to my parents, who are righteous and had raised me in the love of the gospel, and required only an hour or so of my time – not much of a sacrifice.

Throughout my time of self-imposed exile I had many members try and reach out to me. For too long my heart was too hard and I rebuffed many who tried. I cannot pinpoint an exact moment of time when it changed but it did start with two women - my visiting teachers.  At first, I told them they could visit but I did not want to hear their message. Despite this, these two sisters continued to come and before they left each time would somehow manage to share their message without me even realizing it. I found I didn’t mind hearing it and my heart began to soften very slowly as it was surrounded by the love these sisters shared, not only from themselves but from the ward and from our Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ. These diligent sisters continued to visit for over a year, never wavering from their efforts.

The catalyst that pushed me into coming back was a musical fireside I attended by Kaye Starr, a talented musician from the States, who had bought her choir and gift to share. My mother has performed many cantatas by Kaye Starr, so I had grown up with her music. This night, I sat in the congregation and from the very first song, an overwhelming feeling of peace, love and rightness filled my entire being. With tears streaming down my face, I realized I was feeling the Spirit and thought “Perhaps I am not too far gone after all”. The Spirit stayed with me the entire performance, filling me with a sense of wonder and awe. Afterwards, I had many of the choir members come and thank me, because they had seen how touched by the Spirit I was, and in turn it touched them so much that they could hardly look at me during the performance. The Spirit testified to me that night that my Heavenly Father knew me, knew of my troubles and heartache, knew my sins and loved me nonetheless.

I share this with you sisters in the hope that for those of you who may be struggling at this point in time, with whatever life is throwing at you to bring you down, that you may know that no matter what, you are loved. Do not despair, do not lose hope, because if we lose hope, then Satan wins. Our Father in Heaven loves us with His whole heart and while we may do or say things that lead us away from Him, He will always continue to love us.

By Estelle Alfred

                                                                                                                                               

Estelle is married, with a beautiful six year old son.  She and her three sisters were born into the Church.  Estelle describes herself as compassionate, creative, loyal, hard-working, and responsible.  She works for Travelex, in the city, and has recently earned a promotion that will involve her traveling all over Queensland, to Darwin and to Guam.  Asked to name her happiest moment, Estelle answers that it was going to the temple for the first time after she came back to Church - there was a wonderful feeling of peace, and happiness that she was worthy to be in that sacred place.  Estelle has struggled with depression at times, but is learning that if she hangs on, it will pass. "It's a part of who I am", she says. Being active at Church  again has given her a sense of family - not just immediate family, but that the Ward and the Stake are her family too.  She feels a sense of worth and of belonging, and of being loved and accepted by all the members of her ward. "It's better - I'm now converted fully.  I've come back to Church for myself.  I feel faith and hope and love from my Heavenly Father and Saviour.  I can't do it without them.  They are walking with me every step of the way. I know I am not alone."  Estelle especially loves music, and is the Ward Music Director in Kuraby Ward.                                                                                    

By Sandy Munro