Thursday, March 20, 2014

What My Children Have Taught Me About Love


When this topic originally came to me, I wasn’t sure what I was going to write. I’m not even sure where it came from, it just felt right. So here goes.

I’m a mum of three daughters. My eldest came along quite soon after my husband and I were married. My pregnancy was pretty normal apart from having whooping cough for the first 5 or so months. Her delivery was induced, but again, normal. She came into this world a sleepy little princess, with ten fingers and ten toes and weighing nearly 4kg (9lb). We adored her from the minute they laid her on our chest and her eyes immediately focussed on mine.

I had dreamed of becoming a mother since I was a little girl, but the reality was quite different. Suddenly I had a tiny person who relied on me for everything. She couldn’t tell me if she was hungry, tired, thirsty, wet, dirty or scared. I had no idea how to tell if she was in pain or just wanted to be cuddled. I had read about maternal instinct but it just didn’t seem to be something I had.

The first thing I learned from my eldest daughter was to slow down. I’ve never been one for spending a lot of time on chores, but she needed all of me. All the time. It took a lot of effort not to feel guilty about still being in my pyjamas when my husband got home from work, but he understood what I did not: that being a mother is a full-time job, and some days you just don’t get to do anything for yourself.




The second thing I learned from my eldest daughter was patience. Sometimes you try everything to get the baby to stop crying and nothing works. You just have to deal with that and be patient. You can’t stop the baby crying by trying to reason with them, by shouting at them, or by crying. Sometimes the crying means you feel a bit better, so it’s not necessarily a bad thing, and sometimes you just have to put the crying baby down where they’re safe for a few minutes so you can get yourself back together. That’s OK too. I was not very patient before I had children, but it’s definitely something I’ve learned on the job!

The third thing I learned was that you can’t plan for everything, and it’s OK to freak out when your plans change suddenly. That is one I learned from my second daughter, with whom I fell pregnant when my eldest was five months old. Yep, I’m one of *those* mothers. The ones who make it look easy without even trying. Inside I was terrified. I mean, I was going to have another baby and I hadn’t even gotten the hang of taking care of my first one yet!

The fourth thing I learned was from my second daughter, and it’s that just because you had it easy the first time around, don’t expect it’ll be the same the second time around. Plans change.  My second princess had quite the entrance into the world. They told us that she’d be blue from oxygen deprivation, amongst other things. They underestimated her. Upon her entry into the world she took a deep break and shrieked like a banshee. That’s my girl! She didn’t stop shrieking for about three months! My first daughter was so laid back and calm, and here was Cyclone Olivia unleashed on our family!




The fifth thing I learned from my children is that it’s OK not to cope, and to accept help where it is offered. Family and friends rallied around and helped us out when we had our second child. A friend came by to cook dinner one night, other friends visited often, the grandparents took the eldest for plays at the park, and my mothers’ group friends were happy to entertain my eldest at outings (and stop her from dashing away on the feet she finally used to walk just two weeks after her sister was born). I’ve never been good at either asking for help or accepting it when it is offered, but I certainly got good at it when I had my second child.

The sixth thing I learned from my children, is that little bumps in the road happen. You know how I said I learned that plans change? Yeah I wasn’t done learning that. We thought our little family was complete. We had two gorgeous daughters who were about to turn three and two. Then we discovered we were going to have a new addition to the family. It would have been an exciting time for us if I had not been so sick. Once again I was accepting help from others, trying not to feel guilty about not having gotten out of my pyjamas all day and pretty much just trying to survive with two toddlers and hyperemesis.

My third daughter was a textbook delivery. She was the healing birth I had hoped for. She took away a great deal of the pain we suffered when our second daughter was born, and she completed our family.

The seventh thing I learned from my children? Unconditional love is easy. My older daughters dote on their younger sister. The accept her for who she is and don’t expect any more from her than she’s able to give. Why do I think this is a miracle? My daughter has Autism. She’s not your “typical” child. She sees the world differently than others and everyday things that a lot of us take for granted are difficult for her. On top of that she’s inherited my stubbornness. In some ways that’s a good thing, but in others it’s definitely a spanner in the works.




The eighth thing I learned from my children is that sometimes you just have to sit around and snuggle. I learned this from my youngest. She is most secure when she is on my lap or in my arms or tucked up in bed with me. I had to learn to let go of a lot of the household chores because often I’d spend an afternoon with my daughter on my lap cuddling. The smallest scrape on her knee feels like a thousand knives slicing into her. A slight routine change without telling her first means a meltdown that can sometimes last for hours. I say this not to ask for pity or sympathy, but because I want you to understand that life isn’t always easy. Sometimes she just wants to sit on my lap and cuddle into me because she missed me at school. And sometimes there’s no reason she can articulate. I don’t mind, really, my older two were never really snugglers. They found their feet and off they went to be independent.

The ninth thing I learned from my children is that their independence is necessary, even if it can throw a spanner in the works sometimes. My older two children are headstrong, smart, and above all, independent. Oh they sometimes try to pass things off as “I can’t do it” in order to get their parents to do it for them, but I wasn’t born yesterday. Their self esteem and sense of worth are greatly increased by doing things for themselves and others. I often have people say to me “wow your girls are so capable, mine could never do that”. My kids weren’t born independent, it’s something I had to teach them. It started with little things like making sure they dressed themselves and got shoes on to leave the house. Then when they started kindergarten it was as simple as them carrying their own bag and unpacking anything that needed to be unpacked or at the end of the day packing and then carrying their own bag back out again. In school they were responsible for their own belongings and for getting themselves ready in the morning. Of an afternoon it’s up to them to make sure they have all they need including their hat, drink bottle, homework and any notes for me. Yes they forget stuff sometimes, but that’s part of learning. How would my children have learned to be independent if I did all this for them? Not only would it be counterproductive, but I’d be robbing them of a golden opportunity to learn. I couldn’t do that. Yes my five-year-old’s backpack is nearly as big as she is, but she wears it with pride, knowing she packed it herself that morning and secure in the knowledge that everything she needs is contained within.




The tenth thing I learned from my children is that time as a family is something that cannot be beat. I love spending time as a family even if it’s just lying in the family bed telling knock knock jokes. We’re quite busy and we don’t spend nearly as much time all in the once place as I’d like, but that just means I treasure our time together even more. I hold impromptu dance parties in the kitchen while making school lunches, we lie around on my bed telling jokes or making up stories. We jump and jive our way through the aisles of the supermarket (with my nine-year-old trying to distance herself from the rest of us because “mummy you’re embarrassing!”). We pull weeds from between the pavers, we pile me and three kids into the hammock together while daddy cooks dinner on the BBQ. We applaud as one or other of the kids does “tricks” on the trampoline. We sit around and giggle while we make tacos and snort and laugh as we bite into them and the filling all falls out. We love each other fiercely and we are not ashamed of that.

So, what did I learn from my kids? Slow down, be patient, don’t try to plan everything, plans change, accept help, plans really do change, unconditional love is easy, cuddles are awesome, independence is necessary, and family time is the best.

My family may not be how I imagined it while growing up (I definitely imagined being the mother of a few boys as well as girls) but it’s everything I always wanted, and it’s teaching me daily to be a better person.


By Sandra Mansell




Never Too Old To Learn


If someone had told me when I was young that I would go back to school in my 50s I probably would have scoffed in disbelief. But that is exactly what I did.


(From L to R)  My daughter Samantha (now a Registered Nurse), her friend William, and myself on Graduation day.


My middle daughter started studying at the local technical institute to be a nurse. She’s got guts and determination and is one of those people that, if you say she can’t do it, she will fight tooth and nail to prove you wrong.

I was living in the Gold Coast at the time and had come back to NZ for a visit. At that time she was studying for a Science exam, and asked me to quiz her on some of the material. So we stayed up quite late at night and I quizzed her from the book she gave me. Needless to say, she passed her exam and I returned to the Gold Coast.

Six months later I started to feel restless. I was working in a supermarket as a checkout operator, and felt like I was stagnating. I was certain I could do more. Studying with my daughter had stimulated the old grey matter and I felt the compulsion to do something about it. So I went online and checked out my options.

Because I wasn’t an Australian citizen or Permanent Resident, I would be unable to get a student loan. I was not going to let this stop me. So I researched a bit further and found that I could go back and study in NZ. There was a shorter nursing course (Enrolled Nursing) that was beginning mid-year and to prepare for it I could take what they called Foundation Studies, which featured Science, Maths, Human Development, Social Science and Writing and Study Skills. I registered and waited to hear back. When I got the email, I told my husband what I wanted to do, and booked my flight back.

Once I was in NZ, I joined the thousands of other students, lining up for student loans and queuing in the registration office to sign up for classes. I had caught the bug… I was going to be an Adult Student!

I worked hard to pass all my classes and revelled in achieving fairly good grades. My daughter had aced many of her classes and when I got my first A, she expected me to continue getting them, so there was an element of pressure there.

When I started the course, my daughter was halfway through her three year degree course. When I finished my Diploma, she had already finished her degree and was awaiting graduation the following March. I sat and passed my final exam in December and was extremely proud to graduate the very same day as my daughter, and her many nursing course friends.

I can vouch for the fact that you’re NEVER too old to learn…

I was not the oldest person in my class: there was a man in my class who was 70!

Footnote: Shortly after I had finished my course, the government changed the regulations and requirements for student loans and would no longer grant student loans to anyone over 55 years of age. I had JUST made it through in the nick of time.



By Toni Paton



The Five Love Languages Quiz


The 60 second quiz

For each pair of following statements, circle the one that fits you best within your relationship. If you are not currently in a relationship, try to imagine how you would like to be treated if you were. Or think about how you like to be treated by family members and close friends.


1.    I like to receive encouraging or affirming notes                                                 A        
I like to be hugged                                                                                                   E
                                                                                                                                               
2.    I like to spend one-to-one time with close friends                                              B
I feel loved when someone gives me practical help                                          D

3.    I like it when people give me gifts                                                                                     C
I like leisurely visits with friends and loved ones                                               B

4.    I feel loved when people do things to help me                                                   D
I feel loved when people give me a reassuring hand shake or hug              E

5.    I feel loved when someone I love or admire puts their arm around me         E
I feel loved when I receive a gift from someone I admire or love                     C

6.    I like to go places with friends or loved ones                                                      B
I like to high-five or slap around with friends who are special to me              E

7.    Visible symbols of love (such as gifts) are important to me                              C
I feel loved when people affirm me                                                                      A

8.    I like to sit close to people I enjoy being around                                                 E
I like it when people tell me I’m attractive/handsome                                        A

9.    I like to spend time with friends and loved ones                                                B
I like to receive little gifts from friends and loved ones                                      C

10. Words of acceptance are important to me                                                           A
I know someone loves me when he or she helps me                                       D

11. I like being together and doing things with friends & loved ones                   B
I like it when kind words are spoken to me                                                         A

12. What someone does affects me far more than what they say                                     D
Hugs make me feel connected and valued                                                        E

13. I value praise and try to avoid criticism                                                                A
Several small gifts mean more to me than one large gift                                  C

14. I feel close to someone when we are talking or doing something together B
I feel closer to friends & loved ones when we wrestle, hug or shake hands            E

15. I like for people to complement my achievements                                             A
I know people love me when they do things for me they don‟t enjoy doing             D

16. I like for people to cross the street to shake hands or hug when they see me         E
I like when people listen to me & show genuine interest in what I‟m saying                       B

17. I feel loved when friends and loved ones help me with jobs or projects        D
I really enjoy receiving gifts from friends and loved ones                                C

18. I like for people to complement my appearance                                                 A
I feel loved when people take time to understand my feelings                       B

19. I feel secure when a special person is physically close to me                                    E
Acts of service make me feel loved                                                                      D

20. I appreciate the many things that special people do for me                             D
I like to receive gifts that special people make for me                                       C

21. I really enjoy the feeling I get when someone gives me undivided attention                       B
I really enjoy the feeling I get when someone does some act to serve me    D

22. I feel loved when a person celebrates my birthday with a gift                                     C
I feel loved when a person celebrates my birthday with meaningful words             A

23. I know a person is thinking of me when they give me a gift                            C
I feel loved when a person helps me with my chores or tasks                        D

24. I appreciate it when someone listens patiently and doesn’t interrupt me      B
I appreciate it when someone remembers special days with a gift                 C

25. I like knowing loved ones are concern enough to help with my daily tasks             D
I enjoy extended trips with someone who is special to me                               B

26. I don’t mind the “kiss-hello‟ with friends I am close to                                      E
Receiving a gift given for no special reason excites me                                  C        
27. I like to be told that I am appreciated                                                                    A
I like for a person to look at me when they are talking                                      B

28. Gifts from a friend or loved one are always special to me                                C
I feel good when a friend or loved one hugs or touches me                           E

29. I feel loved when a person enthusiastically does some task I have requested        D
I feel loved when I am told how much I am appreciated                                   A

30. I need physical contact with people every day                                                   E                          I need words of encouragement and affirmation everyday                              A




Now go through your quiz again and count how many “A, B, C, D and Es” you circled and place the number in below.
TOTALS:
A: ________ B: ________ C: ________ D: ________ E: ________
Which letter has your highest score? That is your primary love language:
•A = Words of Affirmation
•B = Quality Time
•C = Receiving Gifts
•D = Acts of Service
•E = Physical Touch



The five love languages

Words of Affirmation - One of your deepest needs is the need to feel appreciated. Verbal compliments, words of appreciation, encouragement, kind and humble words are all ways to show love to you.

Quality Time - You enjoy doing things TOGETHER! We aren’t talking about just sitting in front of the T.V. together but really giving each other undivided attention. This means looking at each other, talking to each other, sharing your life with your partner.

Receiving Gifts - You are happy to receive things from your loved ones. They don’t have to be expensive. The gift is a symbol of “s/he cares about me” and “s/he thinks of me”.

Acts of Service - For you, actions speak louder than words! You prefer your partner to do things for you such as cooking a meal, giving a massage, cleaning the room… You like your partner to initiate the acts of service and put efforts into doing them to show that s/he cares.

Physical Touch - You love to receive a hug, a kiss, squeezes on the shoulder, a pat on the back, a touch of the face, and an arm around the waist... Touches can be 10 times as powerful and comforting as any words!



By Amy Villalobos







The Love Language Mystery Game For Children


Each clue box has two comments that parents sometimes make to their children. Read each clue box and, of the two comments pick the one you like better and wish your mum or dad would say to you. Then circle one letter in each clue box! After you’ve gone through all 20 clue boxes go back and count how many A’s, B’s C’s D’s and E’s that you circled. Then write your scores in the blacks at the end of the game. Ask your mum or dad for help if you have any questions. And have fun unlocking the love language mystery.


1.       Give me a hug!                                                                                 A
You are terrific!                                                                                 B
2.       I’ve got a special birthday present for you!                          C
I’ll help you with your project.                                                   D
3.       Let’s go to a movie                                                                          E
Give me a high five                                                                         A
4.       You are so smart                                                                              B
Have you made you Christmas list?                                          C
5.       Would you help me cook dinner?                                             D
I like going fun places with you!                                                 E
6.       Give me a kiss!                                                                                  A
You are #1!                                                                                         B            
7.       I’ve got a surprise for you.                                                           C
You can make something really cool.                                       D
8.       Let’s watch TV together                                                                                E
Tag you’re it!                                                                                     A
9.       You did a great job!                                                                         B
You’ve earned a special surprise!                                             C
10.   You can invite your friends                                                          D
Let’s go to your favorite restaurant.                                        E
11.   I’m going to give you a big hug!                                                 A
You are an awesome kid!                                                             B
12.   I made your favorite Food.                                                          C
I checked your homework and it looks great.                      D
13.   You are fun to hang out with!                                                     E
I’ll race you!                                                                                       A
14.   Wow! You did it!                                                                              B
Check under your bed for a special present!                       C
15.   I cleaned up you room for you!                                                 D
Let’s play a game together!                                                         E
16.   Would you like for me to scratch your back?                        A
You can do it! Don’t give up!                                                       B                                                              
17.   What would you like for your birthday?                                 C
We can pick up your friend on the way to the movie.      D
18.   I always like doing stuff with you.                                             E
You are so huggable                                                                       A
19.   How did you know how to do that? You are brilliant!       B
I can’t wait to give you your present!                                      C
20.   Don’t worry! I’ll pick you up on time!                                      D
Let’s spend the day doing whatever you want to do!      E


How many A’s did you circle?
A’s stand for physical touch. People whose love language in physical touch like to receive hugs, Kisses and high-fives.

How many B’s did you circle?
B’s stand for words of affirmation. People whose love language is words of affirmation like for others to use words to tell them that they are special and that they do a good job.

How many C’s did you circle?
C’s stand for gifts. People with the love language of gifts feel good when someone gives them a special present or surprise.

How many D’s did you circle?
D’s stand for acts of service. A person whose love language is acts of service likes it when others do nice things for them such as helping with chores, helping with school projects, or driving them places.

How many E’s did you circle?
E’s stand for quality time. People with the love language of quality time like it when others do things with them like play a game, watch television, or go to a ballgame.


Now ask your mum or dad what letter he or she guessed you would circle the most? Write the letter he or she guessed In this blank………………

Did your mum or dad guess the same letter that you chose most often when playing love language mystery game? Circle yes or no

Congratulations!!! You’ve solved the love language mystery and figured out what your love language is! Good job! 



By Amy Villalobos


Friday, March 14, 2014

The Secret To Being A Good Mother?


http://suzysvintageattic.blogspot.com.au


Almost every mother wants to do a great job.  It would be great if there was a manual or training course that covered it all!   Mothers read parenting books, attend parenting workshops, and try their best every day - and regularly feel as though they are failing!   We might even feel like we are doing a terrible job some days.  (Even some weeks, and sometimes some years! :)

What makes a great mother?  Having everything home-cooked?  Staying slim and gorgeous?  Keeping the home immaculate?  Having the home messy and relaxed?  Lots of laughter?  Lots of teaching?  Slaphappy?  Always busy? Talkative?  Reserved?  Not too strict?  Not too lenient?   ...

The truth is that we are all so very different.  A great Mum could be any or none of the above.  There is only one quality that perhaps all great mothers share, and it's this:  They care.  They love you more than they love themselves.  They care enough and love you enough to do their best every day and to never give up on you or on themselves.  

A good mother may even make lots of mistakes - but not because she doesn't care or isn't trying hard enough, but just because she gets it wrong sometimes.  She will apologize to her children for the mistakes she makes, and might explain to them that she'll probably make more mistakes - as hard as she's trying not to.  

And that will be probably be ok, because her children will be able to see and feel and believe that she loves, and cares, and believes in them, and always will.   A good mother isn't necessarily perfect, but her love almost is.

I find that enormously comforting!   The thought that a good mother is simply one who truly cares.







By Sandy Munro



Thursday, March 13, 2014

Laughter - The Best Medicine?


In about September/October of grade eleven, we had the semi-formal. When you're IN grade eleven, that's a really big deal. It's a lot like the formal  that you have in grade 12, but just a tiny bit less fancy: basically, your parents drive you, rather than hiring limos to drive you. Otherwise it's pretty much the same as the formal.

I remember being excited about the semi, and mum sewed me the most beautiful outfit. It was a beautiful red dress made of a silky microfibre fabric that looked fabulous.  I really liked it :)

I'm pretty sure Mum was still finishing off my dress on the night though - because we were running really late! (I'll interject here quickly and assure Mum that I know it was my fault we were running so late, since I never made decisions about what I wanted until the very last minute, lol!). I seem to remember that my date was actually in the living room waiting, and mum and I were rushing around in her bathroom to finish my hair and make-up. I had really long hair back then, and I'd decided to wear it out and curly with a diamanté slide I think. Once that was done, it was just my make-up that needed doing.

I don't remember exactly how what happened next happened, but one minute we were shaking the liquid foundation bottle (with a finger over the top), and the next minute, I inexplicably had liquid foundation ALL OVER ME! All over my hair, sitting perfectly over both shoulders, and all over the front of my beautiful new red dress. In my memory, at that moment, time just hung for a moment, as we both just stared in horror at my reflection in the mirror. Our eyes widened, our eyebrows rose, and our jaws dropped.




And then, mum suddenly started laughing. And I don't just mean a giggle. It was one of those 'I have never laughed so hard in my life' kind of laughs. I started shreiking and wailing and panicking and getting into hysterics (naturally!), and that just seemed to make mum laugh even harder. I actually remember mum dropping to the floor of the bathroom and sitting there, holding her sides as she laughed! And everytime she'd look up at me, a whole new round of laughter would start up.

Of course in spite of myself, I started laughing a little bit too (not too much though - I mean, I was covered in foundation!). And as Mum finally finished laughing and stood up to 'fix things', I remember her explaining to me (as I demanded to know WHAT could possibly be so funny!) that sometimes things just go so terribly wrong that there's really nothing you can do but laugh (she might not have used those exact words, but that's the gist of what I remember).

Dad was duly summoned and dispatched with a message for my date that he'd better make himself comfortable. The dress had to come off, be hand washed and then 'hair drier' dried, and my hair had to be washed out as best as we could in the sink and then re-dried and curled. It took a while, but there was no other way around it.

I remember having a good time with mum that night, and that in the end, it all worked out just fine (my date may not have the same memory, but he's not the one writing this).

I have often thought of that night - especially when things go terribly wrong! I'm really grateful that laughter was mum's first response. I often remember it when I find my eyes widening, my eyebrows rising, and my jaw dropping, and it's a lesson that has served me well on more occassions than I can count.

Because when it's between laughing and crying, you might as well laugh. In any event, you'll have a better time cleaning up a mess! :)


By Tammy Munro